Saint Ockwell

Netto Ockwell was born in a disease-ridden swamp south of the Thames in 863 (map). He rose to prominence in 885 after his shirt fell apart during a drinking competition and he preached a fiery sermon on the spot about the importance of low-cost clothes.

Despite having no religious training from the church, or indeed any training at all, he rapidly acquired a following thanks to his vehement and often expletive-laden sermons in the area - mostly on no particular subject other than the audience being "fuckers", which was believed to be an imprecation against the sin of fornication - and his habit of falling into a deep meditative trance at about 8pm every evening until noon the next day. Thanks to his diminutive stature, he acquired the nickname "Little Ockwell" ("Lidl Ockwell" in old English).

Reports of his demise vary. Some of his more ardent supporters claim he was burned at the stake by the church for heresy. Others claim he set himself on fire demonstrating one of the cheap lighters he was attempting to sell. All accounts agree, however, that he miraculously exploded and was consumed by flames within seconds - possibly a byproduct of the enormous quantity of lamp oil he drank.

Although he was never officially beatified by the Vatican, the area became known as "Saint Ockwell's". This became "St. Ockwell" in 1705, and by 1840 was commonly abbreviated to "Stockwell", the name it bears today.