Thursday, July 15, 2004

10 Remarkable Facts About the Simon & Garfunkel Concert Tonight

1. The gig will use enough cabling to stretch all the way to Paul Simon's home town of Pydehark, New Jersey.

2. A brace of specially trained stunt condors has been shipped in from Argentina and will be released for the closing chorus of "El Condor Pasa".

3. Art Garfunkel's rider includes a handbag-sized can of Charles Worthington No More Frizz hairspray, a 500ml bottle of Body Shop Vitamin E Body Lotion and a copy of the 12th edition of Chambers Guide to the Legal Profession.

4. Diana, Princess of Wales, is known to have been a big fan of Watership Down and psychics believe there is a 95% chance that, if the duo play "Bright Eyes" at midnight tonight, her spirit will appear floating above the memorial water feature that was recently erected in her memory.

5. Other celebrity visitors tonight will include Euan Blair, Salman Rushdie and H from Steps.

6. Peter Gabriel will come on towards the end of the gig to do some backing vocals in that yelpy way he has of singing.

7. One of the few things that Art and Paul have in common nowadays is that they both suffer from hay fever, so the park's grass has had to be temporarily removed and replaced with astro-turf.

8. Rumours that Paul and Art can't stand to be around each other these days are totally untrue: in fact, they will share a trailer and will doubtless be keen to continue the game of chess they have been playing since 1972.

9. Paul Simon is, in fact, two inches taller than Art Garfunkel, but a clause in their contracts dating back to 1959 (when the duo were a skiffle act called Simofunkel) states that Art will not perform unless wearing stilts.

10. The auto-tuner used by Paul Simon's guitar technician was confiscated at US customs because apparently its case can easily be dissambled and turned into a lethal terrorist weapon powered by the chemicals used to scent the moist towelettes offered to passengers in first class on Virgin planes. Luckily, however, the canary used by the crew to detect poison gas leaks has been found to chirrup a perfect A and tonight, this will be used to tune Paul's guitar.

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