Hold the West Front Page

The West Front of St Paul's Cathedral has been fully restored to its original glory. What are among the features of this project?

- the multicoloured disco lights under the cathdral floor, which were installed in the 1970s, have had their bulbs changed

- it's a little-known fact, but the West Front is hinged to allow the entry and exit of giant crabs. Why Wren specified this is rather mysterious, but nevertheless the hinges have been oiled and that annoying squeak has gone

- 18 new ringtones have been uploaded into the Cathedral bells, including the theme from Phantom of the Opera and Mr Ricky Martin's She Bangs

- a delicious new minty fragnance

- a particularly virulent infestation of earwigs could not be completely cleared, but they have now been converted to Christianity

- the words "Ha! You call that a Blitz?" in German have been cleaned off the Cathedral roof

- the encrusted dribble of the British press, a blight on the Cathedral since the marriage of Prince Charles and Lady Diana, has been chipped off

- the "Bird Woman", who has sold bags of crumbs from the front steps since the days of Mary Poppins, has been replaced with busty swimsuit model Janice

- the Cathedral is now 5% bigger, an inflation-busting rise.