Spaghetti Easterns

Just as Hollywood gave the world the "Western" - in which men were men, horses were horses, and bar doors were too small for their frames - London's film industry has, over the years, built an inspiring canon of "Easterns", in which men are men, eels are jellied and lights are struck. Here are the top 20 titles worth investing in:

High Newham - it's wrong to make sweeping generalisations, but this archetypal "Eastern" knocks all other films, and all other works of art, to shit.

Erithnophobia - In which a man struggles to overcome his fear that the Dartford hinterland is infested with venomous spiders. In an interesting twist, he dies after being bitten by a shopkeeper (played by Danny DeVito).

Full Metal Stratford - arguably Stanley Kubrick's finest film set in Stratford shopping centre. It has two main section, the first set in a shoe shop, and the second in a branch of Banana Republic.

Bridge over the River Lee - The Lea Valley Navigation, considered impassable until the 1950s, has long been a target for adventurers, treasure-hunters and lover of mystery. What lies on the enigmatic "west bank"? Why does it have two spellings? Where does it lead? Where will it all end? This classic film, starring David Niven, Larence Olivier, Harold Macmillan, and Blakey off On The Buses, charts the Second World War attempt to bridge the Lee and end the Japanese army's occupation of Blackwall. The scenes of the devastation and human suffering caused by the war are truly moving. Some have said it was a mistake to make the film a musical, but history will vindicate it.

The Magnificient Seven Kings - a remake of the Russian film the Seven Samovars, this oddity is about tea-making techniques in Seven Kings. Seven Kings was the first area to put the milk in the cup first and then add the tea; this deluded heresy has since spread nationwide despite intense persecution and at least one war.

Apocalypse Bow - the film of the epic struggle by the Bow branch of the Rotary Club to open a day centre for the elderly. The famous battle scene - in which a squadron of Rotarians in electrified scooters descends on a council planning officer as The Ride of the Valkyries blares, is rightly considered a masterpiece, but wrongly considered to be actually in the film.

Singin' in the Rainham - in which there is singing. In Rainham. In the rain. "There was not a dry eye in the house," wrote Precipitation Week, "as the cinema's sprinkler system unexpectedly engaged halfway through our screening."

The Isle of Dogville - Lars von Thesummerwine's towering classic about Millwall Football Club's battle to avoid relegation. Set on the Isle of Dogs, the production faced near-insurmountable problems if you consider the fact MFC is now based in New Cross.

Epping Forest Gump - in which a slow-witted but charming simpleton decides, for some reason, to make a film about Epping Forest. Holds the accolade for being the only film in history that couldn't sell more than seven tickets to its own premiere.

9 1/2 Minutes - this steamy romance is set entirely in the intervals between trains on the Beckton branch of the DLR. A curiosity about this film is that parts of it eerily synchronise with parts of the first series of The Clangers, if watched simultaneously.