A Monopoly on Meddling

The Times has reported - such fine words to begin a post - that game manufacturer Parker Bros has decided, for some reason, to ruin "update" its game "Monopoly" to reflect the modern capital. Quite why is beyond me - the capital still has railways stations, waterworks and the Old Kent Road, thank heavens - but TiL has obtained a full list of the proposed new "Community Chest" cards. ("Community Chest" itself is to be renamed "Jordan").

The new cards:

"You buy the Evening Standard. Do not pass page 3 as you throw it down in disgust at some story with zero news content about a dim model of whom you have never heard. Do not collect tokens, fail to win luxury flat."

"Make general repairs to your railway stations. It should be pointed out that you should have done this 21 months ago, before the tragic derailment. Do not, for some reason, go to jail."

"You have come second in a foreign beauty contest run by the player to your left, who is son of the former Nigerian finance minister. To claim, call 090-6764894-387774. Give him all your money."

"Spare travelcard. Keep this until needed. However, upon landing on any station, you must be pursued around the room by the other players, hassling you for it."

"Interest rates fall to historic low. The price of those little green houses will now increase 20% each turn forever. The increasing price of the little green houses must now be the only topic of conversation around the board. Sell your soul to the player being 'bank'."

"Advance to Leicester Square. You buy three beers. That will be £14."

"You owe council tax. However, you are a Hackney resident, so we're not that bothered about it."

But new Jordan cards are not where the madness ends. The player pieces are also to be updated, and new rules will affect them. The new pieces are:

Bendy-bus: this piece occupies two consecutive squares.

Suburban assault vehicle on school run: No one can pass this range rover on steroids.

Pigeon: may not land on Trafalgar Square.

Black cab: will not go south of the river, which on the Monopoly board applies only to the Old Kent Road.

So there you go. The new additions to the healthy boardgame of home Rachmanism.