London 2012 - 12 Major Infrastructure Projects That Get The Go-Ahead

1. The de-gritting of Jacques Chirac's teeth

2. In order to handle overwhelming strain on the Tube and rail networks, £2.3bn is to be spent to make absolutely sure that all the "network status" whiteboard have the swanky velcro stick-on "serious delays" notifiers; otherwise railway staff risk RSI writing it in with marker pen each time

3. Money to be poured into American and Japanese tour operators' computer systems to handle the bookings for trips to Stratford-upon-Avon for "Shakespeare's Olympickes"

4. 145,000 estate agents have been mobilised in a four-mile radius around Stratford to add a zero to every house price they can find

5. National programme of elocution lessons to get under way: "It's Plarrrr-stow. Plarrrr-stow."

6. Chinese initiate bid campaigns for 2016 Shanghai games, 2020 Hong Kong Games, 2024 Taipei Games and 2028 Los Angeles Games

7. Operation Englandland Freedom, which will restore democracy to the United Kingdom and the IOC, as well as restoring the Olympics to New York

8. Lord Coe to be encased in bronze, mounted atop Trafalgar Square's fourth plinth

9. A £14.8m programme to remove 8 million "Back The Bid!" stickers from a variety of locations, including Tube trains, street lamps, taxis, bridges, Kelly Holmes, and the back of Jacques Chirac's jacket

10. Evening Standard typesetters begin work on the first "OLYMPIC STADIUM CHAOS" billboard

11. An international summit of 34,000 proofreaders, sub-editors and fact-checkers to meet in Tokyo in order to settle the ancient question: "Lea Valley" or "Lee Valley"?

12. £18.1m to be spent removing the grin from this Londoner's face. CONGRATULATIONS EVERYONE!